Review of the Review of raman eateries Tonkotsu and Ittenbari

We really recommend you read the Review here first > http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/906133-amen-for-the-ramen-eateries-tonkotsu-and-ittenbari

Oh Marina, Marina, Marina what on earth are you on about and where are you? You lose us in your captivating though confusing knowledge of Japanese noodle joints. You leave us open-mouthed and wondering quite how to disseminate everything we've just read (and we read it thrice too). Hang-on did we spell your name correctly? Oh good we did (got told off recently by the bloke with bad hair for spelling his name wrong - unforgivable we know but hey, these things happen).

OK, so we get that ramen is noodles and noodle otaku are nerds, your knickers got in a twist and you squealed when you heard Ramen had "hit the capital" but inhaling them? Do we sneak off to the loo and spread them on the cistern top and roll a tenner for this? We really really do wish you'd expand upon your hint at "dream-like encounter in peculiar, intimidating Golden Gai" and the neon "gulch" of the red-light Kabukicho district (sounds rather reminiscent of a scene from that old film, Emmanuel).

We're not sure if we're still in the capital or somewhere rather more eastern but we follow you lamb-like into the "shonky, upstairs joint". Thankfully you don't then treat us to an architectural description of and from what the sodding bar is made but instead treat us to mind blowing descriptions of tiny savoury sardines, thin skinned dumplings, juicy pork and prawn ... trashy de-boned chicken thighs ...

Not wishing to detract a single minutest, tiniest ink dot from your gorgeous, ejaculation bringing descriptions of the food you encountered - we like this review ... except ... all three times we read it - we were and still are not sure which country we were in or even which bloody continent we were on for most of the time.

Oh Marina we could listen to you slurp your noodles all day long. Tell us of your experiences Golden Gai ... our elbows are on the table and our chin is resting in our hands ... go on, one last slurp just for us. Whisper in our ear - where are we?

Review of the Review of Tetsu, Jerusalem Passage, EC1

We really recommend you read the original review here first > http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jul/29/jay-rayner-restaurant-review-sushi-tetsu

Jay Rayner had his hair cut yesterday and evidently his thinning blood has rushed to repair the changes. Says "I will never apologise (or even take responsibility)" to anyone finding it hard to get a seat at Tetsu - no Jay you silly old, round, hair-person, no one will blame you - it has been open ages now and you've only just got around to having a taste so quite how you can try to (oh so desperately) scrape some of the glory for your own slice of bread is quite beyond WRFW.

For anyone like Jay (or his followers) who've only just taken notice of the vibrations - Tetsu is in Jerusalem Passage (between  Aylesbury Street and St.John's Square).

Reading that the bar is made from "blond wood" fills us with dread - oh God please don't describe in detail the upholstery and where it came from, please. After a hard and dusty day knocking walls down and refurbishing offices in Clerkenwell, we just need to sit on something (anything will do) and nosh.

We love how Jay writes of the intricacies of the processes and Toru's artistic, precise talents and he goes some way to explaining the short though alien (to very many) menu. We giggle at how he tells us Ponzu was brushed across his Bream and we can imagine him almost 'singing praises' to the rice and tells it how it feels in his mouth - has he never tried "Uncle Bens Packet Special Fried Rice" before? Really? Tsk tsk.

Actually we are poking Jay a bit - his review is lovely and reads well - thank you Jay - Tetsu is now further up our list (no, we haven't been up that particular passage - unlike Jay and now presumably his band of following sycophants).

Sushi Tetsu

Jerusalem Passage

EC1

Review of the Review of Bina Tandoori, Caversham

We really do recommend you read the Review here first > http://www.getreading.co.uk/entertainment/food_and_drink/s/2117717_restaurant_review_bina_tandoori#container

Yes, yes, yes we agree with David here - 23 years and still attracting "busy Tuesdays" is admirable and certainly Bina Tandoori "must be doing something right" surely?

Before we even sniff the food, we like to take a look at the place. Does it have an internet presence? Ooo it does, good ... oh ... attention to detail and finishing touches is not one of their stronger points >  http://www.binatandoori.com/news.htm  < when we are asked (increasingly more frequently these days) "what are your weaknesses?" we usually say "grilled blue cheese and pear" or "Rowntrees fruit gums". In Bina Tandoori's case we know exactly what they'd say - "we seem to go off half cocked".

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim." and on and on. 

This is all simply meaningless place-holder drivel designed to be nonsensical - the text on their website almost alludes to "desiring to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain" although it is adjusted from the classical Cicero to in fact not translate, get the picture? Was all that meaningless twaddle? Well yes it is clearly meant to be. And if you go to their website (you really should as it is quite the saddest thing we have seen for a while) do click on the little (i) icon in the center of their headline image, you will raise your eyebrows to the heavens and "tut".

All this does is serve to blare at full volume "We published our website before it was ready to be published" and "We are good at starting things but just can't finish them off properly". Lets hope, after "23 years" the restaurant and menu is accomplished and completed.

Looking over their menu it is clear Bina are truly headed by "renaissance man" and the menu is crammed to bursting with dozens of dishes, reminiscent of a "catch-all takeaway menu", yet if you taste the Bina food, you'll know this is just not the case and indeed there are just a couple of delightful surprises - the Murgh Korma was entirely reminiscent of The Agra during our student days (late of Duke Street) although with a little less coconut but just as rich, creamy and loaded with chunks of tender chicken breast. Rice is rice at Bina and we'd suggest you only choose their rice if you need to fill yourself up quickly (we're carnivores and proud).

However we know you don't want to hear of our food experiences and we must stick to this being the "Review of the Review .."

Reviewers always insist on putting a little of themselves into their reviews to a greater or lesser extent and David is no exception. David tells us he is a prawn eating "vegetarian" and he has a partner, Simon. He likes popadums yet doesn't seem to have them with an assortment of pickles and relishes - hence we deduce he prefers them dry. David doesn't like it too spicy yet Simon likes it "a little hotter" and neither had much of an appetite that particular Tuesday (too many bacon sarnies from the van outside the office at coffee break we'd wager).

We do hear David as he tells us of his "pet hate" for being abandoned to look over the menu without even a glass of water although we're not about to take that bait as we're sure we talked about that somewhere else a short while ago. There must though be some happy medium between being instantly pestered to get sozzled and being abandoned for fifteen torturous minutes.

We readers don't get to hear what the "house" wines are and on the strength of that, we wouldn't touch them with someone else's barge-pole either, yet we applaud David and Simons decision to sample the Kingfisher - we assume it was cold and within it's sell-by-date (we're not told). If their DomP is really £135 a jug then we'd need to hear how they store it ... for that matter we'd like to see their cellar of £45 bottles of plonk too before we'd even consider tasting one.

Helpfully we readers are enticed with lists of all the usual ingredients and so readers will be relieved to not suffer any awkward surprises when you visit bina (and you must).

We advise you to ignore their website completely as it so obviously not meant to be published and instead concentrate on the food. David has made an interesting effort to review Bina Tandoori and even though his review has many gaps we do think you ought to maybe try it for yourselves. We remain puzzled as to why we needed to know the name of David's partner.

We'd be more positive if they paid more attention to detail and took that "all you can eat" off their menu and threw it off Caversham Bridge.

http://www.getreading.co.uk/entertainment/food_and_drink/s/2117717_restaurant_review_bina_tandoori#container

Review of the Review of Whitley Hilton, Reading by Hilary Scott

We recommend you read Hilary Scotts review for GetReading here first > http://www.getreading.co.uk/entertainment/food_and_drink/s/2117378_restaurant_review_larder_at_the_hilton#container


Hi Hills,
thank you for your enlightening review of the Whitley Hilton down on one of Readings arterial routes from Basingstoke,  Swindon or Winnersh. In case anyone wishes to visit - the Whitley Hilton is sandwiched between the Basingstoke Road (level with the "upsie-down") and the Council tip. You take a left (coming from town) or a Right (coming from out of town) off the A33 (I can't recall if there are traffic lights or a round-about there this week but be prepared for either and you'll be okay) along Lindisfarne Way (Fog on the Tyne, LSD, 70's and all that) ... The miniature town-ette they have built there is the most singularly weird place I have ever been - gives off the strangest of vibes I have ever encountered - possibly similar to when we had that total solar eclipse that time and the strangeness of the outdoors - birds are silent, boundaries between light and shade are blurred, sounds travel... differently somehow - perhaps it's the LSD. Any way, I gave a little shudder then - did you notice?

If you should look on Google maps or on Hill's map of the 'otel location in her article - you'll notice it hasn't been built yet ... actually it has and the map is some weird out-of-date device presented purely to confuse us.

We're not going to discuss the food as we've never eaten there - it is a Hilton Hotel for goodness sake. Their rooms are advertised at £119 a night for a "Queen Guest room" although when we phoned, all they had for midweek was a twin for single occupancy at a whopping £149 a night. By the way, the nice girl on the phone said they only charge £10 for their breakfast (difference between a room with and without breakfast) so we'd recommend taking a tent and camping outside then slip in through reception and just have the breakfast. 

We have always shied away, from eating here at the last moment,  having been put-off by drunken fans killing time before the Royals vs London, Irish games - whatever they are. And by the look of the dining room - very similar to BHS cafe upstairs in Broad Street. We're sure though the atmosphere of a sanitised Council Tip-side 'otel will prepare you for the games and compare suitably with the bland unfeeling, cold concrete of that stadium held at arms length, by the town, on the outskirts.

We get to the swimming pool - oh Hill's it's you who splashes energetically, enthusiastically and noisily in your arm-bands, shower cap and goggles, past me as I leisurely practise my back-stroke whilst balancing my plate of toast and marmalade on my stomach some mornings - do slow down Hill's and try not to splash quite so much - very off-putting you know - no one wants to race you or do "bombing" at that time of the morning.

Your description of your "main" of spinach, bacon and avocado salad, quite put us off our rhythm. Oh hang-on, now we're confused ... which and where are we reading about? Is it the Whitley Hilton or the Holiday inn "on the coast" You could have given more of a clue than that surely? We'll have to avoid ALL Holiday Inn hotels now just in case we accidentally trip into the one with the "stomach-churning puddle of green on a side plate".

You almost resolve the confusion though and we think we're now reading about the Whitley Hilton at last. Sadly Hills doesn't mention the Larder's claim to offer "locally sourced [ingredients] whenever possible" and so, we do not find out where in Reading they sourced the Feta or the "hand-dived" scallops ... or if indeed any of her meal was locally sourced. Our neighbour keeps three chickens so I'm sure they could have had a couple of locally sourced fried eggs or an omelette if they'd only asked. You say your partner had scallops "three fat and luscious hand-dived specimens" yet we only count two on that plate bloody awful lump of tacky 90's slate that it is. 

The remainder of the food is seemingly typical hotel-fare and not noteworthy .. except that you had the same slop (feta, watermelon and pumpkin seeds) on your plate at a London rubber-company joint? Bloody hell Hils which one? Oh do tell - there'll be a riot and we want to be in the crush to get away and not eat there.

Whitley Hilton - It is a hotel (not particulary cheap or atmospheric). Thery serve food for when you get hungry (same grub as in dozens and dozens of other hotels up and down the land).

Remarkable thing about the Whitley hilton? Apparently the sunset over the Council tip ... oh and the chef apparently knows what he is doing. Gawd 'elp us.

Review of the Review of The Bull Steak Expert

We recommend you read Marinas review here first > http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/905423-the-bull-steak-expert-serves-some-of-the-finest-steak-in-london


We dribbled at the thought of a review of The Bull from the spankingly gorgeous Marina ... even though it is entirely of Argentinian beef.

Sitting at our office table we hunched over the menu as soon as Jissom came back from his secret task, mid-morning, to "get us a copy of their menu - sharpish!" A quick "book" was opened on "how many steaks will Marina get through for this review" (I had 7 (including the surf & Turf)) [oh does that double parenthesis give away my logic programming background? never mind]. I was sure I'd win the fiver this time - Marina wouldn't let me down ...

Oh ... the feisty 'scotch' brunette beauty only managed the one - a sirloin (angosto) and her partner-in-beef a single rump. Oh ... is that it?

Really Marina?

Well, apart from some fiddling about with a poncey starter and an offering of rabbit food accompanying the (single) steak, yes that is it.

Now, come on Marina surely you could have done better than that? (no one in the office won the fiver as no one could have believed Marina would only manage a single steak when reviewing a steak house ... it'll stay in the pot for another day.

We'd have loved to hear about the ribeye and were longing to moisten and dribble over a "Marina review" of a Churrasco de Lomo Marinado fillet, oh yes and of course following with the Cuarteto Mayor (rump, sirloin, ribeye & fillet). Caring less about the sides and silly sauces, we feel abandoned, let down.

This then begs the question - "do lady reviewers have their place?" and even  "Shouldn't perhaps a man review The Bull Steak Expert? A man with an appetite?"

The Bull Steak Expert 54 Red Lion Street

Read Marinas review here > http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/905423-the-bull-steak-expert-serves-some-of-the-finest-steak-in-london

Review of the Review of Masala 22 Tilehurst

wrfw recommend you read the review here first > http://www.getreading.co.uk/entertainment/food_and_drink/s/2116845_restaurant_review_masala_22

Vicky, we like this - we like the review, we like Masala 22.

None of that silly stuff about anyone being "not much cop" or snogging in taxis ... actually we quite enjoyed that stuff in that other review but hey, this is light, refreshing and just what we needed on a Thursday afternoon.

We read this earlier today and were sure you'd told us what you though the pan fried fish of the day was ... we read it again this afternoon though and that bit has gone from your review - would be really good to know what it was - we'll probably run up there for a meal this evening with our 30 guests if it is Monk Fish ...

Anyway, lovely review. Masala 22 is on our list. (our good list that is)

Review of the Review of Scott's Hill, Manchester

Oh come on Emma - give them another chance, surely? Perhaps they'd been really busy that day and their only option was to send the maid to Tesco for a few bits and pieces? Or maybe it was Lidl? Your description of lamb shanks matched Lidl precisely although the crème brûlée rather smacked of Waitrose - that poor maid was probably dashing all over Chorlton and just for you - at least show a little gratitude and at least next time let them know when you will be going so they can prepare "the good stuff". Sadly Joanne is probably salting the Heinz Mulligatawny with her tears as we type. If we were anywhere near Manchester, we'd try it Joanne ... and we'd give you plenty of warning. There, there.


Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/904764-scotts-hill-came-across-as-a-restaurant-that-didnt-care-about-food

Review of the Review of Shrimpy's in Kings Cross

WRFW recommend you read Marina O'Loughlin's review first here > http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/904777-shrimpy-s-in-king-s-cross-is-a-ray-of-sunshine

We drove past Shrimpy's once - thought it was a building site and with the hoard of "strang-esters" (strange scenesters) lurking at the gateway we had second thoughts and finally concluded it must be "one of them raves" and instructed our man, Jissom to "find somewhere looking more like a restaurant". When The Filling Station was suggested, we immediately imagined smells of stale oil and benzene and the chink of greasy spanners from the kitchenette. Perhaps were were wrong.

We have to say though - having to weave our way through a forecourt "rammed with people" doesn't appeal even though our man is very good at getting us through to the front.

Intrigued by the thought of perching at some "walk-in" counter - what on earth is a "walk-in" counter? We could understand "climb-over" or "crawl-under" but not a "Walk-in" counter.

Admitedly pineapples are a (until now) secret fetish of ours and we are quiet fans of Donald and the lads - Pablo and David. The thought of Donald servicing us in a boiler suit gives us a bit of a tingle.

Food? Actually we never mind when Marina doesn't get to the food until around halfway through her sparkly reviews as we love the build-up and enjoy the almost torturous restraint Marina puts us to ... then ... she speaks of food and we gasp - not their most successful element? Another sodding "Calexican" - uh oh ok we'll continue ... s'pose.

Why would Shrimpy's present anyone with the ghastly brit-style pork scratchings and risk emergency dental treatment bills? We'd have stuffed them in our pockets for sucking later in the back of the car.Cardboard plantains, fried chicken on a gloop, over-bready soft-shell - all sounds very disapponting.

Oh ... we get it now - Shrimpy's isn't about the food - it is the experience we are expected to pay for and the food is simply for poking around the plate with an underused tenedor. We agree that if you are on a "hot date" and "on a promise" or a "sure thing", the last you want before making-out in a local hotel is some lumbering great meal - Shrimpy's is probably the best thing - bright, noisy, fashionable an impressive experience and NO FOOD.

Marina - you know we love a game girl - we'll get Jissom to drive back past there again one day soon ... maybe we'll stop for a perching experience and then dash off to a hotel. I'll speak to 'her' and see if she is up for a dirty weekend "up the smoke" with promises of an impressive experience ...

Read more: http://www.metro.co.uk/lifestyle/restaurants/904777-shrimpy-s-in-king-s-cross-is-a-ray-of-sunshine

Review of the Review of Jamie's Italian, Reading

We recommend you read this first > http://www.getreading.co.uk/entertainment/food_and_drink/s/2116412_restaurant_review_jamies_italian

To kick off her review of Jamie's Italian at the 'Orrible, Reading, Hilary Scott ("Hills" to her friends) ... we'll refer to her as Hilary, for now at least ... oh yes ... Hilary kicked off her review of Jamie's Italian by imparting some gossip about her life - Hilary has been to Italy twice - once there was a train strike which cost her 300 Euro and a night in a hotel with (presumably) her 'not much cop, boyfriend' oh but what a night it could have been ... if only.  Her second visit was the day after the relationship with "not much cop" ended. A noteworthy precedent and warning to any future (or current - we are not given this snippet) suitors for Hilary - check the trains first. However this is not merely a throw-away introduction to this review of Jamie's Italian by Hilary as it sets the scene - Hilary (it feels like we know her already) ... Hils is clearly a 'game bird', has money (pays 300E for a taxi), doesn't tolerate anyone 'not much cop' and is persistent and ravenous in her quest for Italian food. From Hils love of Italian food we can deduce she is a 'woman' and certainly a woman of taste, unfettered by trivial girlie diets - no one who craves 'Italian' would stoop to diet, surely? And from what we have seen - dieting is certainly not necessary.

Hils has us screeching to a dusty halt on an Italian roadside because we've just seen a porchetta van (we imagine a Citroen 'H' van with drop side). For those not knowing Italy it is useful to know the herbs in the pork 'de panino' would probably have been sage and parsley although this does differ from van to van. Jamie has a recipe on his website using a stuffing for this made from ingredients such as chicken livers, pork mince, pine nuts, raisins ... yes 'raisins' how mad is that? Apple maybe but raisins! We'd have picked them out as we detest raisins in savoury although at a pinch we'll tolerate them in a bobotie. Anyway and back to the A90 - eeuuw - not petrol fumes though as that is now 'colouring' our imagined scene.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/italian/reading

No, we're not going to go through the whole review - Hils makes it all very appetising and we recommend you read her review and visit Jamie's Italian - brilliant location by the way and Jamie was apparently very happy to get the spot on the river in Readings restaurant quarter.

Jamie will not get a vulcanised gong from the rubber company for this [blatantly pinched that and paraphrased from someone infinitely more capable] although we shouldn't think he'll be disappointed and neither should you - well worth a visit or even two. The seating is a bit cramped for our liking and feels a bit like a noisy garden center cafe with so many round tables and silly chairs stuffed in. Every other table has a beard with braces taking photos of their grub and tweeting (or more probably FB'ing as it is Reading) but hey, forget that and eat.Choose the pork, you really really must.

We love Jamie's Italian and Hils review - we "thoroughly recommend".

Hils has set the bar with this delightful, informative and enticing review - we shall look out for more from Hilary Scott.

The Water Tower - Flaming Grill - Tilehurst

We WERE thinking of reviewing this flaming place ....


The sign said it was a Steak House. We weren't expecting anything more than a Steak House. Although flamin' 'eck, we just wish it had been a review-able Steak House.


The Bear and Dragon ... uh sorry .... the Water Tower / Flaming Grill (jeez we despise this gratuitous pub name changing fetish) is ideally situated for a quick "it's Saturday evening, lets take the kids out for a steak". It is at the junction of Park Lane, Langley Hill and Halls Road - the No.17 bus will stop outside if you're polite to the driver and sometimes even if you're not.

We found a table around the side from the noisy bar area .... you may wish to look away now.

The table was sticky and we had to ask for it to be cleaned.
Only two of our (identical) drinks had a straw.
The "Sizzling rib combo sharing" starter was only enough for one - two at a pinch.
There were only two corn cobettes (we were three).
After we'd used the cutlery for the starter and our plates were quickly replaced with our"mains" (god I hate that term) we had to ask for more cutlery.
Steaks arrived - single good news - it did look like it was an actual "rib-eye" steak. My partners prawns with the "surf  & Turf" looked a little like prawns and the other in our little group had a piece of bacon in the "Mini Mixed Grill" which "tasted really quite good" although the 2oz burger was so full of cereal we couldn't really taste the meat and the same with the sausage ... the fried egg was nicely cooked.
Strangely though the weird platters the steaks arrive on were so very hot, the steaks continued to cook from underneath whilst we were eating them and by the time we were half way through, they were no longer 'medium-rare' and getting on for 'well-done'.
My fresh strawberry gateau after my steak tasted 'chemically' and the strawberries were most certainly not fresh - although were probably from a freshly opened tin.

Well, we warned you. We're not going to tell you anything else about this place nor its food except to say, when we went out to our car it looked as though an elephant bird had taken a sack of "dulcolax" the night before and it had only just "done the trick" ... all over our bonnet - we had foolishly parked under one of the large oak trees..

The sign said it was a Steak House. We weren't expecting anything more than a Steak House. Although we just wish it had been a review-able Steak House.

Advice to the Water Tower?
Don't mess with pub names.
Pay attention to the details.
Keep tables clean and free from sticky yuk yuk.
Make the sharing starters a little more share-able.
Perhaps try local sourcing for your meats (local farms) - this would be a great 'crowd pleaser' and SO much more tasty.
Use fresh strawberries (unless of course you buy your puddings from Costco - in which case just don't bother).

A day later and we still felt uncomfortably bloated.

We'll visit again in a few weeks and hopefully we'll be able to review with a sparkle but until then we are still searching for a review-able Steak House around Reading ...



The Water Tower - 160 Park Lane Tilehurst
Contact: Michael Cekalla
Tel: 01183 217207